Speech fright

We graduate in exactly thirteen days and I have been asked to be valedictorian. I kind of assumed our class valedictorian would be Rati. I have no idea of what to say. I was counting on just sitting there in a sari. I am going to make such an idiot out of myself. What am I going to say?! I can’t make speeches!

I really envy people who can speak well in public. I’m not a disaster or anything, but somehow saying a practiced elocution piece and talking from the heart to an audience are two different things. I don’t want to sound fake, and yet, I think that if I say all of what I want to say, I’ll be there all night. I don’t want to bore people, and I wonder if my memories are really worth their time. Are my feelings really what they are going there to hear? Somehow I don’t think so. So how do I say what I want to say without sounding fake, without going on forever, without boring people, and speak on behalf of twenty other people?!

I really don’t think I am cut out for this. Anyone out there who is? Your suggestions are more than welcome!

Fighting a losing battle

Studying at home...all I did was look at the clock for a second.

- I never read the clock in the TV room right...especially during math class!
- Speaking of which, I actually managed to get an 86% in math.
- I still have to max math though, considering what my French results are going to be like!
- Ms. Aneela was actually telling me not to drop physics today...
- But I can’t handle another two years of physics. I’ll die.
- Maybe PUC would be better.
- But friends who are doing PUC are not having it easy either.
- Shwetha just messaged me.
- I think Shwetha did PUC
- She actually got the inner part of her ear pierced! That must have hurt!
- Jala wants to get her navel pierced. She is actually trying to get me to do it too!
- My parents would have a fit! =D
- Didn’t Christina Aguilera get something even weirder pierced though?
- She has a nice voice...but what has she done to herself?!
- But then, some people look like real idiots and sing really well!
- Look at Clay Aiken when he started off!
- Gunnu really likes him!
- I wonder how she and everyone in Singapore are...
- I hope my internship there works out!
- I have to get good grades if I want to work there someday!
- And I should probably start now...!

This is why I can’t study! I get distracted WAY too easily!

Wanna be

I recently saw an interview on MTV with Jay Sean. That guy from the Rishi Rich Project? ‘Maina Tere Nal Nachna’ was the first of their songs I heard (Not bad actually, interesting mix of bhangra and rap). Now, Jay Sean has emerged as a solo artist. Can’t say I think much of him though...

During the interview, he had this really strong British accent. But not the educated one that one can listen to forever. (Like Hugh Grant!) He has a very I-really-want-to-sound-cool accent. He used the phrase “Ya know wha’m sayin’” like 80 times! It gets annoying after a while, but one learns to accept it, since apparently the guy didn’t grow up Indian. Later though, he was asked how his family felt when they saw him on screen. He was all “They are shit proud of me man, I mean my grandma tells all her friends...” and out of the blue, he starts quoting his grandmother in a flawless Punjabi accent! Something about that smooth transition really put me off.

Now, I don’t personally know Jay Sean. But even through the interview, he came off a very fake person. Where does he (or anyone like him) place himself? Neither is he completely Indian, nor is he completely British. He is trying to make it in a foreign world, with a put on personality.
There are more such people nowadays. Look at Raghav (whose song starts with an old Hindi film song) and Rouge! They are so confused. I’m not saying that Indian singers shouldn’t try to be successful abroad, but I wish they would take one image and stick to it!

Scary

Suicide is a scary thing isn’t it? My mom is a lecturer at MCC...and she sees cases of girls hanging themselves from the ceiling almost every year. And for such stupid reasons! Why would anyone push themselves that far? What could possibly be that bad? Seriously, the fact that you failed your exam, your boyfriend dumped you, or Hritik Roshan got married is NOT reason enough to take your own life!

Oddly enough, people’s hearts fill up with sympathy when they hear of suicide cases. I have no sympathy for them though. I don’t know if that makes me cold hearted or what...but I still don’t.
For one thing, it is a weak thing to do. It shows that you can’t handle your problems, and that you buckled under pressure. But more importantly, suicide is so insensitive. How can a person be so selfish and be completely unaware of who’s lives they affect by their actions?
Take this one girl for example...she was having an online relationship with this guy. After a month, he told her that he thought they should stop talking. A couple of weeks later, she hung herself. And without a thought of anyone else. Her parents were traumatised, her classmates were traumatised, and that guy must have died inside!

We need to be strong from within, and like someone told me, don’t give a damn and it can’t bother you. I hope that by seeing people like that girl, and how they affect those around them, we can have the strength not to be like them, and be the strength for those who are.

No sympathy for them though...what do you think?

Clueless

I hate this. Life is just so hard sometimes. Especially when you don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I mean, some things you can’t talk about to your mom and dad right? And even if you can, what’s the point? The way I see it, the only possible outcome of talking about your problems is getting more depressed, getting the person you are talking to depressed, or getting the person you are talking to angry. You never get anything solved. Everyone says, “Talk about your problems! It will make you feel better!” I don’t believe that. It can’t be true. How can you feel better, if all that is different is the fact that you aren’t depressed alone anymore?

And then there are those people who keep saying, “What’s wrong? I hate seeing you so down.” If they can’t figure it out themselves...then maybe they weren’t meant to at all! And if they have something to do with it, why is it always so alien to them?
It is so hard to find someone who you can talk to without always having on your mind “God...I hope I’m not leaving a bad impression!” Is there really anyone out there who doesn’t care?!

Dealing with disappointment

Habba has been cancelled. Just like that. I suppose it is for a good reason, but still...

Sunday morning, and I was up at 8 am, after sleeping at around 1am the night before. Why? Because I wanted to study, so I could afford to go for rehearsal. Exhausted though I was, I looked forward to class. Nandita and I had both more or less decided to give Habba a miss this year, and had decided THIS SUNDAY to go ahead and perform! Pavithra di knew I am in the middle of exams, so she took me aside and said “If you are here for rehearsals for Habba, then you don’t have to stay. Habba has been cancelled this year. So if you want, you can go home and study.”

I feel deflated. There is actually no better word for me to use. I was really looking forward to being part of Habba again. Nrityagram was the last bit of surviving excitement in my life, and now even that is more or less gone.
Today, after the social studies exam, we were talking about how amazing our math marks are going to have to be for us to have an aggregate of 90%+...I was going to say that I needed to max it...but then I thought, why? It doesn’t actually matter anymore. The only reason I wanted to do well in prelims was so I’d be able to do Habba, and now that it wont happen anyway, my motivation seems to have somewhat evaporated.

The reason: sponsors have withdrawn. All three major sponsors have decided to give the money to the Tsunami Relief Fund. It’s a great cause. It really is. And people are dying. It’s not like our dance festival is more important than that. And yet, I can’t help but feel disappointed...

Noldo and netspeak

For some reason...the 'Silmaril' link didn't allow me to post! So, I'm posting here...maybe this will actually start a conversation?!

Because Noldo Hates Netspeak
I can’t say I like netspeak, but I think you over did it a bit. For one thing, no one uses 3s instead of ‘e’s! And that first verse is grossly exaggerated!

In any case, is language to remain static?! Spelling changes, grammar changes, and word usage changes. It's all part of growth. These 'Americanisms' that people seem to protest at these days, are actually closer to Elizabethan english than the english spoken in Britain today - like the usage of the word 'mad' for 'angry'.

Look at Chaucer's writing! He is considered the 'Father of modern writing', and just look at his spellings! The words are spelt differently today from the way Chaucer had spelt them in the 12th century, and this difference is an inevitable progress towards simplification. So why are we so intolerant about changing 'you' to 'u'?

Apart from all that, every medium has an appropriate style of writing. And just as the net has grown into a world of its own, so has the language used in it. The problem arises when people confuse one style for another. Disscussing school over MSN messenger is one thing, and writing a critical analysis of Sylvia Plath is another.

The net is the way it is largely thanks to its separate style. It has its own formalities (or lack of it) and formats depend on who is meant to read it. The problem is not with the netspeak, but with people who don't know where to use it.
What say you?

You read for fun?!

Measuring out life in coffee spoons…
That’s my present screen name on MSN messenger. You will not BELIEVE the questions I have got about this screen name!

(For those of you who don’t know, it is a line from a poem called ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ by TS Eliot. The context in which the line is in – I don’t know about the rest of you but – I loved it! It just wakes your mind up! It’s one of lines that make you go hmmm…)

But apparently, not everyone thinks so...
- What’s with the screen name?!
It’s a line from a poem.
- From your English textbook?
No...just a poem I read.
- You mean you read poems for fun?
Erm...yea

It’s hilarious how out of touch people can be. But I guess reading and writing are things I consider fun, and other people have their respective things. But still, how out of it can you be?! Even our NAFL day this year has a glimpse of such a train of thought: This one girl plays this bimbo-only-loves-to-shop type ostrich (everyone plays an animal...the whole thing is set in a jungle!).
Everyone is talking about Charles Darwin. And someone asks, “Who’s he?!”
The ‘head of the jungle’ answers “He wrote ‘Roots’...I think”
To this, the bimbo-ostrich says “No no! That was Charles Dickens!”
It’s quite funny, in a silly kind of a way. Of course, we are assuming that the audience knows who Alex Haley is.

I have kind of started using lines of nice poems as my screen names, but I have found like 2 people who understand them...
The next one I was considering is:
“True wit is nature to advantage dressed,What oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed”

I don’t know what kind of reactions I am going to get! Someone asked me who said it, and when I said Alexander Pope, she wanted to know whether the Pope’s name really was Alexander!

- You read for fun?!
Uh, yea! Doesn't everyone?!

Tidal wave

Words don't work sometimes...so I'm trying something different this time.

SAFE IN MY INLAND HOME…

Looking out the window,
Behind strong grilles, safe in my inland home…
My outstretched hands feel heavy droplets
Trickle down my fingertips.
The water brings frightful thoughts to mind…
And the droplets seem to sting my palm,
As the tortured cry of childless mothers fill my head.

Looking out the window,
Behind strong grilles…safe in my inland home
I breathe in deeply and take in the smell,
Of the wet soil.
Somewhere the ground shakes violently,
And wells up with hot salty tears…
As horrific visions disturb my peace.

Looking out the grilled window,
I think of those who have watched their lives being washed away.
We talk about food and clothes and drinking water,
But who will pay for broken hearts?

Two fingers snap me back to reality.
I swallow the lump at the back of my throat,
And smile.
For tomorrow is another day.

2005 - Bring it on!

It’s a whole new year. How come I had so much more time in the ninth grade?! The year seemed longer then. 2004 has come and gone. Just like that. And so much has happened. For me, and around the world.

10 Things That I Hadn’t Expected To Happen

1. I am even more confused than ever
2. George Bush won the election (and so did Sonia Gandhi)
3. India lost an ODI cricket match to BANGLADESH
4. I did an all-India Odissi exam
5. A player died on the soccer field
6. I’m actually bordering on finding Geometry interesting
7. I’ve decided I don’t like Coleridge
8. My views on friendship have drastically changed
9. I have the next two years planned out three months in advance
10. A giant wave wiped out 150 thousand people in Asia, says before the new year

There is no way we know what to expect in 2005. I, for one, have exams till the 22nd – starting tomorrow – so I know that the next month at least is going to be extremely hectic. But phir kya hoga kisko patha…
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!