I Really Am Confusion Personified!

Nrityagram had a performance a few nights ago. They were brilliant. As usual. There was a new dancer – who I have never seen before. She was really good, but majorly over shadowed by the other two. There was one piece that was performed, that I have learnt as well. They did the exact same steps that we do, but somehow made it look SO much more impressive! They make every movement look instinctive!

Watching them, and thinking about my own dance, I started think – My God, I’m really happy when I’m dancing. I would love to be where they were. I really want to be that good! I don’t know what suddenly put this thought into my head. But there I was sitting and watching them…thinking about the practicalities of moving and living in Nrityagram! It seemed so completely unlike me to think of something like that, and I was aware of the out-of-character-ness of the whole thought process. So I told myself – firmly – that all this passion was because of where I was. Because of who I was watching. Because I was still high on the show. But now, three days later, the idea still seems amazing to me.

It’s not practical. I know it isn’t conventional. But that’s not it. What is making me THINK about it is one – will I still want this five years down the line? and two – do I have the potential to be THAT good (because if I don’t, there really isn’t much point in trying).

I still don’t know if I really want this or it is one of those ideas that pop into one’s mind only to fade away a few months later. I do want a respectable educational qualification, so at least till I have that I’m set.

It’s so frustrating though! Like with biochemistry, advertising and literature…I wasn’t confused ENOUGH!

Too Many Shoulders

It’s true that one can never understand how much it hurts till it happens to you. Losing someone you love is so painful…but a support system makes it that much easier to deal with. Or does it? I lost my grandfather early Thursday morning. The entire day was such a blur. I don’t think it has still completely set in that he is really gone. I remember loads of people coming home and calling on the phone. But I don’t think it really registered who most of them were…

Over the past four days, people have been calling – both my mom’s and grandmother’s friends – to express their sadness and offer condolences. But finally today, my mom said “Sympathy can be so oppressive sometimes…” To repeat the same story – of how, when, and where it happened – to EVERY person who asks is really painful. Just hearing my mom saying it, I re-live the whole thing in my head. It must be complete agony to her. I’m amazed at her strength.

He was a writer and a teacher, so he has fans and students all over the world. So many of them called when they heard the news – the phone would ring every 5 minutes! SO many people have said wonderful things about him, shared funny and special memories of him, and expressed their grief. It’s so nice to know that there are so many people who loved and thought highly of him.

But I can’t help but wonder – would we have been better off having fewer shoulders to cry on?